Individual Excellence: Part 1-v: Soul
17 February 2024
G-d, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Affected family members (AFM), a term describing those who love people suffering addiction, sometimes take years to acknowledge that acceptance of things they cannot control is a reality. The reasons for this reluctant acceptance are telling.
If you have a spouse or child suffering addiction, you believe, with some accuracy, that you know the course they must follow to leave addiction behind. You foresee medically supervised detoxification, a rehabilitation centre, self-discipline, and regular therapy. In a sense, this is an accurate perception, but it misses the essence of addiction.
The most satisfying definition of addiction is that cited by Maté (2018) which states that there are three requirements: 1. A susceptible organism e.g., your spouse or child; 2. An addictive substance (or behaviour); 3. Stress and/or trauma. What the AFM has seen, in the last sentence of the preceding paragraph addresses parts—but only parts—of all three causal factors. Most significantly, the term missing from the AFM formula is individual dignity. I am an AFM and knew how to fix some of my loved ones. I failed every time. Now I succeed together with SMARTies and clients in therapy.
The reason I found success is that I finally heard that the timing of sobriety-recovery-connection must be on the addicted person’s terms. Recovery happens when the user wants it to happen—not before, not after. The sweet spot is their optimal readiness for vulnerability and change. And sadly, for the millions of AFMs, just like me, our pushing, pulling, nagging, and coercion pushes our loved ones into further avoidance, denial, and disconnection. As such, to return to the first line of the Serenity Prayer, another’s addiction is something we cannot control. The paradox here is that the sooner we realize this—and relax into a boundaries-defined loving acceptance—the more likely recovery (ours and theirs) becomes. That’s the long message. The short message to our addicted loved ones who are still out there: I love you and will help—to the best of my self-responsible ability—to support your recovery but not your addiction.
The second line of the Serenity Prayer also contains three terms. The first is courage, a word that grew from the French and Latin for heart, coeur and cor, respectively. Courage “n. 1. The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger with self possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery; valor” (Morris, 1975, p. 305). Where do those last five attributes come from? A life lived in consonance with reality—more on this later (p.x).
The second term of the second line of the Prayer (“to change”) addresses our capacity to bring about change. But, per the first line, we must first recognize those things we are unable to change before seeking to change anything. The word recognize was selected as the first word that fit the intent of that sentence, but it turns out to be fortuitous. To re-cognize or re-think or re-perceive is the necessary precondition of bringing about change, for if we try to change what we cannot, we are wasting our resources including that irreplaceable resource, our effective time on Earth i.e., our efficacy as actors, ones who can and choose to act.
That choice, and that capacity, are also critical components of the Prayer as, deeply read, they invoke our own awareness of finite time—more particularly—each of our individual bracketed appearances. If you are not yet feeling that poignance, let me invoke two giants, Prospero, and his author, Shakespeare:
—Shakespeare, The Tempest, IV.I.148-158
What Prospero is saying is that ultimate wisdom is knowing how finite human lives and actions really are.
Philosophically, the second line of the Serenity Prayer is about epistemologically accurate ethical action. Epistemologically, we must first know what can be changed, realistically and ethically. Realistically means that that which we wish to change must first exist, and second be malleable. If either of those properties is absent, we’re knitting fog. Ethically, what we wish to change must be within self, as the selves of others, without explicit consent, are off limits. And this is the seemingly insurmountable difficulty AFMs encounter—often for years, sometimes for decades. In the name of altruistically superior knowledge (presumed), they/we attempt to coerce our addicted loved ones into sobriety, health, guilt, shame…
The third line of the Serenity Prayer brings some tonic to this open wound. Wisdom is the eternally noble destination toward which the prayer directs its readers. That wisdom is acquired through knowledge, know the difference. As above, that knowledge comes from a scrupulous observation and respect for that which is real and ethical. The difference, of course, refers to the distinct qualities of those things which cannot be changed and those that can. Let’s look at an example.
To be continued next week.
Dan Chalykoff is a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying). He works at CMHA-Hamilton and Healing Pathways Counselling, Oakville, where his focus is clients with addiction, trauma, burnout, and major life changes. He writes to increase (and share) his own evolving understanding of ideas. Since 2017, he has facilitated two voluntary weekly group meetings of SMART Recovery. Please email him (danchalykoff@hotmail.com) to be added to or removed from the Bcc’d emailing list.
References
Clark, W. G. & Wright, A. (Eds.) (1939). The complete works of William Shakespeare arranged in their chronological order. Nelson Doubleday, Inc.
Maté, G. (2018). In the realm of hungry ghosts: close encounters with addiction. Vintage Canada.
Morris, W. (Ed.) (1975). The Heritage illustrated dictionary of the English language. American Heritage Publishing Co, Inc.
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