Acceptance

21 October 2020

Acceptance is an idea that comes up in SMART Recovery, Stoicism, and in parts of the work of the Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900).  The next few blogs attempt to explain what is meant by acceptance and to test its usefulness in everyday life.

SMART Recovery bills its version as unconditional life acceptance (ULA).  The SMART Handbook (2014, p. 45) suggests that, “If you can accept that there are many things you can’t control, it may help you to better accept what life throws at you, even if you don’t like it.”  There are four assertions embedded here: 1) Much of life is beyond our control; 2) accepting that much of life is beyond our control is a choice; 3) not liking what life throws at you is not the same as refusing to accept misfortune; and, 4) such acceptance may be helpful to your health.  Each assertion is analyzed below.

1) That much of life is beyond our control is easily acknowledged.  No one chooses cancer, no one chooses addiction, no one chooses to have her investments evaporate, and no one chooses COVID-19. 

2) Acknowledging that we can choose to accept, or resist, may be the most difficult of these four assertions.  First, we’re born with a shock absorber called denial which allows us to disbelieve bad news until we can gather sufficient strength to cope.  Second, many of us believe that we will be unable to go on if we lose a spouse, our incomes, or our health.  That belief usually undervalues the ferocious life-affirming instinct built into our very fabric.

3) SMART’s take on acceptance does not require you to like the rude wind blowing hardship into your face. We can cry, scream, and wring our hands refusing to accept misfortune, and sometimes that may even help.  But mostly, that postpones the inevitable and costs us needless energy.

4) There is a late-night prayer that goes something like this: “What’s done is done, what’s not done is not done.  Let it be.”  I sense huge draughts of calm in such graceful acceptance.  Please ask yourself, how much energy of spirit does graceful acceptance cost me? Conversely, how much energy does resisting acceptance cost me?  Which choice fosters health?

Dan Chalykoff facilitates two weekly voluntary group meetings, as well as private appointments, for SMART-based counselling services at danchalykoff@hotmail.com