27 January 2021
Last week we discussed Viktor Frankl’s position that we choose our attitudes, even in the direst circumstances imaginable—which Frankl knew. We left off acknowledging the courage required to break through the diffused responsibility of crowds and to step forth to protest a scenario of schoolyard bullying. The person who acts with such courage forfeits her status as a victim instead occupying the role of agent. What about the bully and the beaten?
If we accept last week’s premise that we always have three basic responses to a situation, those being positive, neutral, and negative responses, how does each of those play out in the life of the person beaten by a bully?
A positive response would consist of a psychology with which the beaten refuses to accept that the beating was deserved or even about her. Instead, she knows that she appears meek, small, and alone and that that was the reason the bully chose her. If the beaten does not sanction violence, her physical response should be one of protecting herself and moving away from blows to minimize harm. If she believes in opposing unjust force with force, she may choose to fight back. As you can see, three factors arise: choosing a psychological position, choosing a physical response, followed by thinking and acting according to those choices. Such action requires persistence and active willingness. The reward is integrity—a wholeness of person as rare as political straight talk.
Last week, self-erasure was introduced. If the beaten accepts the bully’s premise, that she deserved a beating, self-erasure, resentment, and depression are probable outcomes. If she allows herself to feel the sadness of her situation, resolving to move on, she more fully occupies self, has no need of resentment, and moves forward based on her own values. According to Burns (1999) depression involves 1) a loss of self-esteem; 2) unproductive functioning; 3) confirmation of an unreal perception fostering a distorted view of reality; and 4) feeling hopelessness even though the prognosis for overcoming this illness is good.
The upshot is that the self requires conscious occupancy or inhabitation. We all have a choice how about how strongly or weakly we inhabit our values-based selves. This is my understanding of Frankl’s position that we choose our attitudes. Next week, depression and the bully.
Dan Chalykoff provides one-to-one counselling concerning life direction, addiction, and change. Since 2017 he has facilitated two voluntary weekly group meetings of SMART Recovery: danchalykoff@hotmail.com
Dan, you have the gift of communicating powerful messages in very few words! I didn’t expect to laugh at a serious message, but ‘as rare as political straight talk’ got me!
Many thoughts triggered for today!! Thank you!!
You’re welcome, Patti! Always happy to share my respect for our beloved politicians.
Very apropos of a current situation with a stir of remembered ongoing bullying that has shaped so much of who I am.
Escaping the ‘victim’ role is tough slogging and requires one to move the hand of perceived fate from one’s face to a further distance of clarity.
Looking forward to your next blog on this.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Nancy. Is there really a choice though, if a person is serious about creating a life worth living? Victimhood is aimless suffering, agency is directed creativity.
Dan, this is so powerful…even for those who feel powerless. My favourite statement is, “We all have a choice about how strongly or weakly we inhabit our values-based selves.” That is the essence of it all, isn’t it?!
Interesting that you picked that sentence, Trish. One of my current preoccupations is what I think of as ontic occupancy: fully occupying self through active being = thriving. And, yes, I think that maybe the essence of being.
I am not a fan of bullies. I would like nothing more than to take them all on.
I figured I will probably have to wait until I retire. However I did have the opportunity to help a slightly overweight girl in the change room at YMCA. I asked her why she was weighing herself and asked her mother to come over (don’t like to encourage young people to talk with strangers). I told the little girl she was beautiful and not to listen to those who call her names. They are unhappy people. She seemed to understand which I was really happy about. Sorry for late response. Judy
Thanks for reading and commenting, Judy. Bullies don’t emerge at birth, they emerge from conditions they live with and through. While they appear cruel and insensitive, they probably come by those appearances through family and cultural influence.