14 October 2020
The last few blogs were concerned with the inhibitive effects of perfectionism, that is, the higher our standards, the less likely we are to try new activities be they recreational, social, professional, or healthful. For example, say a SMART attendee wants to move from harm reduction to abstinence. She makes an hour-by-hour plan of what she’s going to do when urges hit. And her plan works—for two days.
On the third day, she’s at a social gathering and a waiter walks by with a tray full of wine glasses containing Pinot Grigio, her favourite. She gratefully takes a glass, has a sip, and then starts feeling the disappointment. Her mood cascades to near depression and she’s REALLY down on herself. The next morning, she gives up on her plan of abstinence because she’s “...obviously a major loser who can’t stick to anything!” That’s the voice of perfectionism.
This is an example of performance perfectionism in which, if the performance isn’t flawless, the first time and every time, I’m a complete write off. Not only is this black and white thinking, it’s wildly unrealistic in terms of the expectations of the stages of change (Prochaska & DiClemente, 1983). Alternatively, the voice of resilient realism says, “Okay, ‘got 50 hours of sobriety under my belt, let’s try for 72 this time.”
Burns (1999) cited performance perfectionism in a list of eight varieties including appearance, emotional, identity, moralistic, relationship, romantic, and sexual. Of those, identity perfectionism strikes me as the most deadly. Burns characterized that variety: “People will never accept me as a flawed and vulnerable human being.” I find this the most deadly because it is the most all-encompassing. Think about the terms of that assertion: I will not be accepted because I am sometimes flawed i.e., I make mistakes, score less than 100% in most/all endeavours, sweat when I exercise, and swear when I’m frustrated. In simpler terms, identity perfectionism = I will not be accepted because I’m a human being.
The image selected for this blog reminds me of the uselessness of perfection: imagine those two cellists each making her best interpretative presentation of the same Bach suite for unaccompanied cello. One plays it aggressively, up tempo, with wild dynamics while the other leans to atmospheric, slurred, and thoughtful in tempo. Neither is perfect because music, like life, is an art. Depending on the mood, experience, and age of listeners, either of the two performances could be heard as more suitable to Bach’s score. And you, dear reader, by forfeiting claims of perfection, are better suited to life; real, on-the-ground, glorious and messy everyday life.
Dan Chalykoff facilitates two weekly voluntary group meetings, as well as private appointments, for SMART-based counselling services at danchalykoff@hotmail.com
100% of what? Trys? Ok, trys at what?
The varieties mentioned aren’t measurable ie
“appearance, emotional, identity, moralistic, relationship, romantic, and sexual”. So perfection is solely based on one’s perception of self
Meeting expectations that are not measurable holds no objective meaning. We all fall on a self image spectrum from narcissist to self-deprecating without a measurable goal you are at the mercy of your traits.
CBT provides tools for those to change behaviour however, traits are baked in and likely what we will fall back to in new circumstances. Without planning.
Being a hard determinist. My disappointment with any failed outcomes is short lived at best.
The fact that someone is disappointed in failure or circumstances out ones control is understood.
Thank you for reading and responding, Allan: The fact that the different types of perfectionistic striving are not measurable kind of amplifies the problem: if you’re striving to meet an undefinable target, how can you ever succeed? But I don’t agree that this quest is meaningless. I think within perfectionism is a desire for too much goodness but the direction itself has meaning as the striving is well-aimed if miscalibrated. I agree with you that traits remain with us but many psychologists of personality believe we have considerable agency within those traits–I share that view. However, if you are truly a hard determinist, what is the point of reading, considering new behaviours, considering new opinion, making plans…? Or is the position of hard determinism a way of protecting oneself from disappointment? Again, I appreciate you reading and responding. Be well, Allan.
Can so relate to ‘perfectionism’
Music 🎶 s ‘heard’ through so many dimensions;
Music, like art is subjective to how we (I) feel.
Perhaps (?) we are just pieces of the orchestra; a reliance on others that may result in cacophony but can ultimately sound like a well rehearsed sonnet long in the making.
We are but a sum of all our parts.
But ‘recovery’ so handily fits if we are focused and draw strength from our individual places … like pieces of a tapestry drawing strength from our stitches.
Thanks for reading the blog, Nancy. To continue with the orchestral metaphor, we can’t control the music chosen, the other players, or the conductor. But we can control our performance, our attitude toward delivering the best performance we have in us, and the way we think of ourselves and that performance in the days, weeks…ahead i.e., focus on what YOU can do and do it well, not perfectly! Thanks for the comment.