26 August 2020
This week’s blog also continues looking at Hashmet’s (2017) list of reasons for addictive behaviours (genetic predisposition, low entry cost, cultural, incremental, personality, loneliness & self-medication). Herein, loneliness, as a causal factor, is examined.
Hashmet began his paragraph on loneliness stating that those suffering from their own addictive behaviours are lacking in human contacts to such an extent that isolation sets in. It is important to realize that this is nearer the end state of the addictive narrative than the beginning. That is, once addictive behaviours become chronic and all-consuming, loved ones, friends, and colleagues, for their own health, tend to distance themselves from the sufferer. As such, loneliness is both a cause and an effect of addictive behaviours.
Causally, Hashmet’s description is worth repeating: “The experience of loneliness is painful. That is why we sometimes turn to ice cream or other fatty foods when we are sitting at home feeling alone in the world. Problems with self-regulation specifically attributed to loneliness have manifested in alcohol abuse, drug abuse, eating disorders, and even suicide.” Loneliness is also an increasing social danger in contemporary society with a known genetic basis in some people (White, 2010).
In Lonely, White includes a compelling inscription: “Please close your eyes. You live in an apartment. You are there alone. So far as your feelings go, you are entirely alone. You have no one to call, no one to talk to. There is no one sharing your life, no one at all. This is the way it is, this is the way it is going to be. If you were to go out, you would still be alone. Please take note in your mind of how you feel.” I live with a spouse, a child, and four pets and I find that description soul-chilling. Imagine the effect on a person living alone who believes he has only addictive behaviours to turn to as temporary respite. Loneliness is not something to mess with.
The controversial journalist, Johann Hari, released a celebrated TED Talk on addiction (July 2015) in which he cited research from across the Western world. Much of that research is at variance with our traditions of isolating, shaming, and frightening addicted people into sobriety. Hari concluded that the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, the opposite of addiction is connection. Connection = non-loneliness. Connecting is attending a SMART meeting.
Dan Chalykoff facilitates two weekly voluntary group meetings, as well as private appointments, for SMART-based counselling services at danchalykoff@hotmail.com
Plenty of insight here and loads to agree with, too! We are designed for connection and community. When I have been very upset and hurt giving my husband the ‘cold shoulder’ treatment blanketed our home in silence. It was a deliberate attempt to isolate and it was mean. I am working hard not to go there anymore.
On a different topic, I refuse to use the phrase ‘social distancing’, instead it’s ‘anti-social distancing’. I’m so ready for this to be done, too!!
Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for commenting, Patti. It’s important to differentiate intentional isolation from a need for downtime, enabling a person to think through and feel through a conflict. A kind but firm, “I’m having a problem processing this. I understand that you’d like to talk right now but I don’t want to hurt you so I’ll need some time to understand my responsibility in this. Does tonight work for you?” may leave both parties feeling more respected. (As you know, that is a quick attempt at a PIUS statement: Positive, I am part of this, Understanding, and Sharing responsibility.) Thanks for raising this.
This is bang on. I was on anti depressants for probably 20 years… did they help? Hard to say. I read Haris book Lost Connection and I could relate to the fact connectiveness is key. Drinking does not take away the loneliness it does dull the pain. If it is possible to feel connected there would not be such a desire to use.
Thanks for the comment and the honesty, Laurie. I’m hoping that the next generation of psychology/sociology…starts to bring psych to the streets. By asserting that I’m agreeing with your comment that the desire to use (escape pain) would be reduced if there were always people to talk to. We have call centres that offer this 24/7 but we probably need 24/7 drop-in locations where there are trained people ready to deal with whatever comes. While that probably sounds expensive, just compare it to the cost to Canadians of addiction: $38.4 billion per year (UVic, 2018). Thanks for raising this.
I love Hari’s comment, “…the opposite of addiction is connection”. Loneliness may come at the expense of one’s addiction…the LO may feel a sense of isolation due to his addictive actions/behaviours, even when living in a situation where she is not alone, physically. IMO, it is so important to reach out to those affected with addiction, despite the pain this may cause the family, and ensure that the LO “knows” that she is loved, “knows” that he is valued, and “knows” that she is worthy, despite the addictive behaviour. I cannot imagine a more saddening feeling than that of being lonely.
Thanks for your comments, Trish. There are two issues I’m reading here. First, you’ve poignantly raised the issue of loneliness in groups. This may, in fact, be the toughest of all types of loneliness, being in the same room as a person you feel unable to connect with or the oft-cited loneliness of crowds, when you are physically present but socially absent. All I can suggest is that the sufferer learn from the pain and identify its source. Secondly, there is a distinction to be made between being loving, supportive, and connective with a person suffering addictive behaviours and failing to defend boundaries. More explicitly, we love the person suffering addiction; we do not love the addictive behaviours or the intoxication they have chosen to practice. Expressing that, “I love you, the woman beneath these behaviours; I do not love the woman who shows up obnoxious and intoxicated and demanding my attention.” is a necessary distinction for both parties. Difficult, delicate issues which probably cannot get too much air time so thanks for raising this.